LOVE AND MARRIAGE

“The most wonderful of all things in life, I believe, is the discovery of another human being with whom one’s relationship has a glowing depth, beauty, and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing, it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of Divine accident”

Sir Hugh Walpole

The above quotation came on an anniversary card from my wife, Sue. It was from a series of cards by the company ‘Blue Mountain Arts’ in Boulder, Colorado called “Thoughts of Life”. It was our 48th anniversary. On the inside, Sue wrote that she couldn’t express our relationship any better than Walpole’s had. Our union has been blessed with two great children (Court and Emily), and three lovely grandchildren (Ava, Daisy and Harvey).  Over the years our kids would choose to visit us at our winter homes in Hilton Head Island and Carriacou, Grenada. My wife and I have always tried to keep our home a welcoming place for our kids and their friends. It is in our nature to entertain and provide hospitality. As Marcus Aurelius (Roman Emperor 161-180 and Stoic philosopher) wrote: “That which isn’t good for the hive, isn’t good for the bee.”  So, it’s our goal to always make our children and grandchildren feel the warmth of our hospitality. Marcus Aurelius was among the first to articulate the notion of an inter-connected cosmos. Despite being a Roman Emperor, he considered himself a citizen of the world, not just Rome.

A good Stoic like Marcus  Aurelius understands that proper impulses, and the right actions carry the good of the whole, which is the wise person’s only good. Conversely, good and wise actions by the whole are what’s good for the individual. (This passage is from “The Daily Stoic” by Ryan Holiday (page 297). This inverse relationship proves the inter-connectedness of our actions with the world. Thus, a healthy family dynamic grows as a result of efforts to protect and to nurture the home.

From another famous Stoic, Seneca, ”It’s in keeping with Nature to show our friends affection and to celebrate their advancement, as if it were our very own. For if we don’t do this, virtue, which is strengthened only by exercising our perceptions, will no longer endure in us.” (This quotation is also from “The Daily Stoic, page 299.) If you substitute ‘family’ for ‘friends’ in the above quote from Seneca, I believe you arrive at a good prescription for a loving family.

Our family has also developed some powerful traditions for holidays and, very importantly, Sunday dinners. Almost every Sunday we gather at one of our homes for dinner and we talk about the week to come and current events. This tradition keeps us all grounded and close to one another.

 Turning again to Marcus Aurelius we get his “Mantra of Mutual Interdependence” which nicely describes the best dynamics of a healthy family:

“Meditate often on the interconnectedness and mutual interdependence of all things in the universe. For in a sense, all things are mutually woven together and therefore have an affinity for each other — for one thing follows from another according to their tension of movement, their sympathetic stirrings, and the unity of all substance.

These ideas of interconnectedness remind me of Tich Nhat Hahn’s term of “interbeing”:

“Interbeing: If you are a poet, you will see clearly that there is a cloud floating in this sheet of paper. Without a cloud there will be no rain, the trees cannot grow, and without trees we cannot make paper. The cloud is essential for the paper to exist” Tich Nhat Hanh.

In my opinion, a good marriage has a strong element of “interbeing” as a predominant feature of its make-up — in my experience, there has to be a lot of “give and take”. The key word in a good relationship is “compromise”… through the ups and downs. Getting through the tough times strengthens the bonds of marriage — soon the two of you magically become a formidable couple…ready to take on the world!

My wife, Sue, and I love to travel. I think our relationship is best suited for travel… like two gypsies we’ve boldly explored the world and have many marvelous memories that will last a lifetime. Part of the “interbeing” of a marriage involves rediscovering the love that started the marriage. Every so often, when I hear my wife’s laugh and I remember why I fell in love with her. She has a very unique ability to laugh at her mistakes… something that is very rare in people, which sets her apart from most people I know… it is charming and beautiful, like a special treasure.

I turn again to Tich Naht Hanh for a final comment (from his book “Interbeing” 4th edition 2020; page 76):

“Even when two people are married for a long time committed relationship, they continue to show great respect toward each other, as they would toward an esteemed guest in the house.”

Sometimes, when I realize how fortunate I am to have found Sue, the song by Huey Lewis and the News comes into my mind which goes, “I’m so lucky to have you in my life.” However, a song by a Rock Star will not do for Sue. She has so much kindness, love and goodness stored in her soul, enough to put a Buddhist monk to shame. So, instead I turn to the Old Testament and the Song of Songs for a tribute for her:

“We will be glad and rejoice in thee,

we will make mention of your love,

more than of wings

Rightly do they love thee.”